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“Powerisers” I say to myself. “Powerisers,” I say to myself, once more, this time with the certainty that I just witnessed someone dead sprint across a football field as if they had the worst case of IBS. Needless to say, these things are weird…but they’re totally awesome.

Powerisers Make You Run and Jump Like An Animal

Say goodbye to your old stilts. With Powerisers, you’ll be able to run like an antelope, jump higher than you could ever imagine and…do whatever this guy is doing.

The actual website states that by “mastering” Powerisers, I will have the ability to jump up to 6 feet in the air. That sentence should be accompanied by some 80’s electric guitar sample. The fact that you must “master” the art of Powerisers brings a level of uncertainty that puts a lot of images in my head. I can imagine someone out in the world, probably in some candle-lit dojo with a headband kicking it to 80’s power ballads and performing a 9-foot roundhouse kick. Have you ever had a roundhouse kick to the face? I haven’t. I certainly never want to and, I most certainly never want to experience a roundhouse kick from 9-feet away by someone wearing power stilts.

Flips

The manual reads:

“Flips are not advised for the average person. A good rule of thumb would be that if you can’t do a flip without the Powerisers on, do not attempt one with them on!”

Another one for the “masters”. It must take a lot of hard work and determination to master electrifying front flips. Boyfriends, lookout. One wrong stare from a guy wearing Powerisers and you’ll wind up getting power kicked in the face. Your last vision will be of your now-ex girlfriend awkwardly resting under the arm of some 9-foot tall guy who just power-slammed your face so hard that Chuck Norris would be jealous. Is it the stars from the impact that you’re now seeing? OR is it the super-awesome turbo-lightning that came from that guy’s foot.

How To Master Powerisers

The Product Information reads:

“The more careful one is, the less dangerous the sport becomes.
The more reckless one is, the more dangerous the sport becomes.
The key is to learn to use the Powerisers slowly, at your own pace.”

That is the master’s Haiku. Do you want a black-belt in power stilts? You have to go at your own pace. Do you want to master the art of front flip-kicking a bolt of lightning? Don’t move faster than you are comfortable with. Follow this guide to a T and you’ll be stealing girlfriends left and right.